I read my journal entry for September 2016 and found these recurring themes: Poignant memories, Emotional heartaches, Painful recollections
They were difficult times, but they were occasions for growth. I began to see that it was needful for those wounds to reopen. While I didn’t want anyone picking at the scab, it happened. People unwittingly scratched the hard shell, discarded that layer, and caused the blood to appear.
- The guy who picked me up for the rental car from Enterprise had the windows down. It was hot, but my hair was blowing. Roger would have been sensitive to my blowing hair. He learned that early in our marriage.
- I saw happily retired couples doing things together. I wished it was me.
- I mowed again. I missed Roger. The knife in my heart twisted each time I thought of him being gone.
- The death of a dear friend made me pensive. Tom, Gary’s brother took his last breath on earth and his first in heaven. I pondered the “hurt” that came with of another death.
- I thought about Roger and the knife in my heart turned again. It took my breath away.
Interview questions, a big truck, and lots of cookies
Granddaughter Ava called to ask me questions about what it was like when I was a child. Her last question took me aback. “What do you want to be remembered for?” I took a moment to think and then said, “I want to be remembered that I was happy, healthy, and a helper. I want people to know that I lived my life as a servant.”
At the end of August Stephanie was in teachers’ meetings so I traveled to Chad’s, bringing the recumbent bike. I also served as the resident baker, and the consummate ping pong player. I rented a truck, and when I picked it up, I was surprised. It was HUGE truck. I felt so important driving it. Better yet, I felt like a good ole’ country girl.
That visit to Chad’s was relaxing and fun.
Lisa came for Labor Day weekend, and we made more memories on that last weekend of the summer.
Have you ever wanted a circumstance to freeze in time and be as real as when you lived it? I wanted that. I was thinking about Roger’s funeral and burial. And I could hardly remember the specifics of the ride to the cemetery. I thought it was ingrained in my mind, but two years later I could hardly recall how I felt.
Wouldn’t we like to remember exactly how we felt on our wedding day? The details about the preparations, the guests, the ceremony? But if you can’t remember, it’s ok. You have your whole life ahead of you to make new memories. That ceremony wasn’t important. But death. Those memories will fade, and when you want them desperately because it’s all you have, they are so distant.
After returning from spending two weeks at Chads, I found myself OK being home alone, but yearning to live near someone. I didn’t need anyone IN my house; I just needed to be NEAR family.
I was still torn about where I was supposed to live. I could buy/build near Chad and stay half the year in Michigan. Scott had a great “mother-in-law” apartment at his home; I could stay there the other six months. But what about Lisa? Lance?
I decided not to do anything.
What had I done?
I was sitting in the back of the church at Tom Perry’s visitation chatting with friends. Somehow the topic of guys hitting on me at State of Grace concerts came up. I mentioned that I might be interested in companionship. Someone to have dinner with.
So friend Ron said, “I might have someone that would be good for you. Could I tell him about you?”
I nodded ok, and said, “OK. See if he would be interested.”
Yikes! What had I done? Now I understood why people had arranged for friends to “call” an emergency during dinner to give a person out if the date didn’t go ok. And there were teenage questions: What if it wasn’t good? How do you let someone down? What if he didn’t like me? What if it was boring? What if……..
My feelings were so convoluted.
The weeds, the garage opener, and the deck
I hadn’t been to Scott’s much and decided to head there for a few days. It was nice. I helped them get rid of some weeds and thought, didn’t we just do that? Oh, that was last spring. Wasn’t that just like the weeds and clutter in our lives? It was a constant, never ending job.
Good friend Della and Mike came over to help me figure out what was wrong with my garage door opener. Mike discovered the part that helped “drive” the screw was worn down. I ordered a new one, and the door was as good as new.
It had been at least six years since Roger and I had power-washed and stained the front porch and deck. I decided that it would be a good time to do it, and asked good friend Allen if he would power-wash the decking.
I bought the stain, and then began the job. I found muscles I hadn’t used for such a long time. It was hard work, but I was persistent and finished the job. It felt good to complete something that was difficult.
OBSERVATION: Scabs exist for a purpose. They are an important stage in the healing process.
OBSERVATION: Change can bring growth to a living thing. Stagnant people are lifeless.
HELPFUL HINT: Do something that is difficult. Complete the task. The feeling of accomplishment has no comparison.
HELPFUL HINT: If you can’t remember details, it’s OK. General memories are better than no memories at all.